My computer died. I wish I could say that this is the reason I haven’t been writing, but it’s not. I’ve been busy, true, and preoccupied with other things, yes, but mostly I just haven’t felt like writing. I haven’t felt like sharing, maybe, either – at least not publicly. Some time ago I read the blog of friend whom I’ve followed since I began to write like this who decided to “retire” from blogging. She was simply ready to move on from it. I wonder sometimes if I am as well.
The truth is I don’t really know. I know that the reasons I started blogging are not the reasons I continue to blog. I know that the information I feel comfortable sharing now is vastly different than that which I used to share. But I also know that it has been a comfort to me in so many hard times. It has been my community, where I have met wonderful friends – relationships that have crossed the boundaries of internet lines – and shared momentous occasions with them via this page. And I know that I will have many more occasions to share. So I don’t quit. Not just yet.
But Life continues to happen, even if I don’t write about it here.
The protesters (who, by the end, were just one guy sitting on the roadside in his truck smoking a cigarette) finally gave in. I don’t know if the project at the Cricket Club finished, if he moved to some other area to protest or he finally got lucky and got himself a job, but one day the signs were simply no longer there. As if it had never happened at all, and maybe it really didn’t. No one seemed to flummoxed that they were present to begin with, so why would anyone notice when they left?
The drama with my insurance company was basically a mood swing. I got upset about it and then it worked itself out, as these things usually do. The therapist I was seeing decided to stop taking Aetna and so I decided to stop seeing her. She was lovely but out of my price range. This meant that I could have all the biofeedback sessions I needed until the end of the year. Which turned out to be a godsend when I found out I was pregnant and had to go off my mood stabilizer.
Yes, I’m pregnant. After all the fuss I made about not being sure I wanted children it happened on its own. Not like it was an immaculate conception, I know how babies are made, but we weren’t really planning on it.
For those of you who may be wondering I do not love being pregnant. I’m not a fan of feeling sick (although most of my morning sickness has passed by now) and if you’ve never been preggers before let me just explain to you that your body basically does every gross thing you never thought it could do. Not to mention you are gestating an alien succubus. It’s a miracle, yes, I guess, but it’s weird as hell when it’s happening to you.
One thing I do like is that, somehow, all the extra hormones raging through my body right now completely leveled off my moods. It’s the best mood stabilizer I’ve ever had – to the point where it’s almost hard to cry. (Although I did tear up at the Christmas iPhone commercial last night. That one’s a doozy.) I feel so balanced and happy. And simultaneously cranky from lack of sleep and nausea, but mostly level. I’m sure the biofeedback is helping as well, but nothing can compare to a pregnant woman’s hormones, I’m sure.
So it’s happening. We’re having a baby. The Evolving Family is evolving. The big ol’ house we never thought we’d be able to fill will soon be just big enough for the three of us. Somehow, this bizarre thing that is growing inside my body is going to come out and become a human. Husband and I will be its parents. And life will continue to move on.
Whether I write about it here, life will go forward. There is no stopping, no waiting for an explanation, no pause until the next episode. Things just happen.
And that is why we must never stop evolving.