Another New Year’s Post

When I was thinking of doing this post, I was going to do what some of my fellow bloggers have done and give you a month by month recap. There were going to be post track-backs and all that fancy stuff. There were going to be pictures.

The truth is, though, that 2011 was a hard year for me. It began with a big change (which we all know I do so well). Transitioning myself from a glamorous city like Paris back to Philadelphia was ultimately less difficult than I had imagined it would be. I got engaged. I got a job and an apartment. Things seemed hunky dory. And they were, I guess, if you don’t count the emotional turmoil I was sinking into. There were fights. A lot of them. Tears in even greater amounts. Heartache and fear for myself and for my future. Physical pain. Dark, cobwebby places I never knew existed. These are all things that I would rather like to sweep under the rug of last year and move on. I decided not to revisit them month by month.

To ring in the New Year I partied hard. Did you know that jagermeister is terrible terrible drink? Of course you did, you are all that much smarter than I am. It was the tipping point of my evening to be sure, but despite the eventual sickness that came from that toxic substance I had an amazing time. I was in New York with two of my best friends in the whole world - Husband and K from Austin (recently moved to Brooklyn!). We met people from other countries, joined their group and laughed our heads off. We danced. I felt beautiful and alive – for the first time in a very very long time. It was worth every second I spent passed out on the Subway (still sorry for that, Husband!!).

This year is about finding me again. That brush with the lovely, exuberant version of myself made me remember that I once was that girl. Even without alcohol, I used to feel magnetic. I want to feel that way again – 25 pounds over my ideal weight or not. I have nothing less than massive expectations for 2012 and they begin right here.

I want to find my sparkle. There used to be a magic about me and in the mess of getting married and becoming a part of a couple and starting my life over I covered it up. It’s there, though, behind layers of sweaters and long hair and scarves and I am going to take it out again to let it shine. Just like some warm sun-shining day in spring, I am going to strip of the extras until nothing is left but my naked soul, glowing you out of the room. You are going to want to bask in it and I am going to draw you in. 2012 is going to bring that, so help me God.

You can’t go anywhere but up from the bottom.