Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Courtney Kardashian: You should shave your pubes down while you're at it.
The dude she's married to: Yeah, you think my dick is too big then. Haha.
The guy shaving his armpits: Yeah well I'm not gonna fuckin' shave there.
Me, to Husband: It's a really good thing your parents can't understand this.
Husband, over his parents who are engrossed: YUP.
Monday, November 21, 2011
I stole this meme from Decoybetty who is SUCCEEDING at NaBloPoMo whilst I am FAILING at Nanowrimo. I haven't yet reached 30,000 words and there are eleven days left. Simply knowing that my in-laws are going to be here for the remainder of the month makes me less than hopeful for finishing. I hold to my previous statement that November is a shitty month for National Novel Writing Month. Whoever picked that month certainly didn't have any family (or a day job).
1. What are your pantry staples?
Pasta, rice, at least three kinds of beans, rosemary, olive oil and cereal
2. What are your refrigerator staples?
Safeway O-organics Vanilla yogurt (cause it’s not too sweet), rice milk, 2% milk for the dairy drinker, eggs, Smart Balance, bottled water
3.You already look like Heidi Klum (or your favorite supermodel). Now, what are the top three non-physical things you would change about yourself?
I wouldn’t need to be medicated in order to be happy, I would have more follow through to actually FINISH projects I start and I would have a photographic memory.
4.What’s holding you back from your dream job? (If you already have your dream job, how did you get there?)
Finishing my book. Then editing my book. Then finding someone who wants to read and sell my book. (Just minor details)
5. You have $500 to spend but it has to be on one item only. Go.
A new laptop. OR a really killer pair of boots.
6. What is something that you are embarrassed to admit you buy on a regular basis?
I don’t USUALLY buy them, but I try to read celebrity trash magazines back to front while I am in line to check out at the grocery store. I believe ALL THOSE STORIES ARE TRUE.
7. What’s in/on your bed every night?
Boo Radley, waiting for Husband and I to come to bed.
8. What is a non-necessity item that, no matter how expensive it gets or how tight your budget if, you will always find room for it?
9. What is the weirdest sandwich you’ve ever made?
I used to eat Peanut butter and sugar sandwiches as a kid, that was pretty gross.
10. Would you rather: Be banned from Pinterest forever, but gain a million captive Twitter followers; or, never get on Facebook again but gain five thousand blog readers?
I would be fine to never see another facebook page if I could have five thousand blog readers. Wow, yeah. That would probably help move along number 4 quite a bit.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Finally, after a painfully long wait to have my appointment with the infamous Dr. of Vaginas, I got to have my thirty minute one-on-one today. Voila, the verdict:
I have a seriously uptight vag. You know how, in Porn, they are always talking about how you want a woman to be tight ("That shit is TITE")? Well, in real life, apparently, it is possible to be too tight,and I am that. I am so tight, in fact, that I my EMG reading at resting state was three times as high as it should be. Of course when I talk about being tight I am talking about my pelvic floor muscles. There's more to a vagina than meets the eye, you know.
The doctor got very intimate with my lady bits, complimenting my gorgeous clitoral hood and my very healthy forchet. Even my vestibulis was by the book - nothing she hadn't seen before.
But I did have it. And those pelvic floor muscles need to chill the fuck out. So she prescribed me an antihistamine - to calm the inflammation - some kind of mythical cream compound to be put directly on the very upset vestibular glands and a muscle relaxer in the form of a suppository. I can put it in whichever hole hurts less, she said. They are both connected to the same muscle.
Also prescribed is a sex therapist because, as any of you who are reading this and also suffering from vulvar pain disorder know, going this long without sex is like dying. Not just for me, either.
When I mentioned the anti-depressant I was currently on, she threw me for a curveball.
"I always suggest Cymbalta," she said. "It has excellent properties that lessen vulvar pain. And it has norepinephrine - the sex drug."
"Norepinephrine does that?" I asked.
"Yes, it's the chemical that the brain produces for arousal."
It doesn't take much more than that to convince me. Though I'm not looking forward to another switch, it could be a not at all shitty thing in the long run. After all, I like arousal.
"And what if this doesn't work?" The Doctor of Vaginas posed the question for me.
Then we take it to the next level. Most women are in her "program" from 12 to 18 months. If this round of treatment doesn't work she's promised me she'd try everything up to surgery.
I, personally, am lucky. I have been reading the blogs where some women hurt so much that they can't sit, or walk or move without having excruciating pain between their legs. I am mostly functioning. I can still wear pants (loose) and except on very very bad days do not have any problems sitting or walking. The only things effected are my sanity and my relationship. Ha ha. Only.
I feel good about this one. Perhaps because I was at a practice that specifically worked with my problem or perhaps it's because this practice is the largest of it's kind in the country, I feel like I could get better. Dr. of Vaginas helped, too. She had an excellent bedside manor, making jokes and sparing me things like "this could be FOR-EVER" like some of the websites I have read. She didn't pump me full of un-necessary information, just what I needed to get me motivated to stick with the program. She seemed determined that I would get better, somehow, sometime. That vote of confidence helped.
At this point, any confidence coming from anywhere helps.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Yesterday I managed to NOT FAIL ALREADY on my National Novel Writing Month project. But people - I have a huge problem. HUGE.
I have no fucking clue what I my book is about.
I have an excerpt on my Nanowrimo page, and a synopsis, but the five hundred and fifty-five words I wrote yesterday (only off by 1,112 words!) have almost nothing at all to do with the plot line I had planned for. And by plot line, I mean the which story I am going to tell about myself. This should not be so hard.
This might not be the point of National Novel Writing Month. I read the forums and people are all "I wrote just over 2000 words this morning and I'm still not entirely sure what my story is about. That is the most I've written in one sitting in about two years. This month is going to be fun!"
But I sort of feel like - what the hell is the purpose of writing 50,000 words - what equates to approximately 200 pages - if you don't have a plot? This is not beat poetry. Stoned people don't read books anymore. Books need plot lines.
I told Husband my idea of focusing on pulling stories from my blog, cleaning them up and making them cohesive and he pointed out that this sort of escapes the objective. Perhaps it does, but completely rewriting my time in Paris based on what is left of my disintegrating, medicated brain seems like a hopeless task. After all, I wrote it all for just this reason.
That being said, everything I wrote last night was written in what I feel is a totally different style, thus squelching the whole "cohesive" idea.
Oh lord, I am surely thinking about this too damn much. That's the only problem, right?