Erg and Then Some

This morning I was literally falling through the cracks. My heels just kept getting stuck in every single nook and cranny the sidewalk had to offer. In addition to rightly ruining my high heels (who’ve seen better days to begin with, thank you very much) I really thought I was going to break my ankle or spill my coffee. I don’t know which would have been worse, but I laid bets on the coffee.

Even without the falling-into-cracks issue I should have known something was wrong with today. As I drove down Main Street toward the top of the hill to get my coffee there was surprisingly little vehicle traffic, but there were people walking into the street every ten feet as if they were on kamikaze missions. As if jumping  in front of my car wasn’t enough, they were hanging ass-out of their own cars with the doors wide open into the lane. I narrowly whizzed past each one, wondering what the hell was going on. It turns out I should have been more concerned.

The day started out with an argument between Husband and I, loosely based on the fact that I am fighting off a cold and backed by some kind of lunar convergence that wanted to piss on my parade. It was the first real fight we’ve had since I started my new medication. Funnily enough I had just been thinking “What happened to all the fighting? Was it really just me? Where did all that anger go? I don’t even have anything to talk to my therapist about.” Then BAM. There it was again, all fresh and new just like old times. In a way I was relieved, to know that I wasn’t turning into some kind of robot alien who didn’t ever feel anything but warm fuzzy thoughts (because how annoying are those people to hang around), but I also didn’t like being that close that particular feeling. Anger is such a scary emotion. Disappointed anger is some kind of other beast entirely. I did not want to stay there.

I was at work though, stuck in an awkward social situation. See, at work I tend to be the person who people go to when they want to vent. I have always been that person, which is what made me such a great barista and would make me a killer bartender. It's not everyone mind you, but those who like to do so in general smattered with the occasional confession, and this particular time it was two people whom I like equally who were not getting along. One would come to me venting angrily about the other and then they would swap. It was to the point where I felt awkward being around the both of them together knowing how they felt about each other. For me, the tension was palpable.

So last week at lunch I made a mistake. I put my foot in my mouth, mentioning this tension to their superior at our office outing. He did not react at all, he didn’t know about the situation and so I retracted it saying it’s none of my business, I shouldn’t have said anything, if said people have a real problem they will come to you and all manner of “forget this ever happened” that I could.

Apparently, however, it was not forgotten. I discovered this when one of the parties involved was giving me the stink eye and I called them out on it. It was here I learned that the rumor flying about was that he was going to lose his job over this. 

Our office is known for its rumors. I was certainly the subject of many of them. I try to keep myself out of it the best I can, which is likely not what I was doing opening my ears to everyone’s various issues with everyone else, though I certainly hadn't realized that. To make matters worse, this astonishing rumor was coupled with one to the effect that I had told their superior that they HATE each other. I had somehow become the rumor starter.

Naturally, I was upset. I hadn't told anyone that there was hate flying about and I certainly didn’t want anyone to lose their jobs. More events ensued here that I won’t detail due to the public nature of this blog, but the end result was the finger being pointed at me as the bad guy, getting thrown under the bus for wishing, out loud, that everyone could just get along. The air was cleared but I was the one who was blamed in entirety.

All before lunch.

I left to run an errand, feeling hurt that I had opened my ears and my heart to the problems of two people I care about at work, only to have them turn their backs on me when they found themselves confronted about their own issues. Though the situation is resolved and the rumors (which were INDEED just that) have been laid to rest that nobody is getting fired, I can’t help but feel let down. I am disappointed in human behavior, that there is no solidarity amongst any group of people. I am disappointed that what gets said trickles down a grade school style telephone wire and that nothing that comes from my mouth will ever be repeated with the care and intention that it originally had. And I was disappointed and angry that someone around me had enough time to waste that they felt it necessary to propagate such an evil rumor. Why?

Maybe I am naïve, but I have always believed that, given the chance, people could change and grow and learn from their mistakes. Today, though, I believe I should have just stayed in bed.

Tomorrow will be better, of course. As long as no one dies today, tomorrow will be better.