My Vagina Is In Therapy

Finally, after a painfully long wait to have my appointment with the infamous Dr. of Vaginas, I got to have my thirty minute one-on-one today. Voila, the verdict:

I have a seriously uptight vag. You know how, in Porn, they are always talking about how you want a woman to be tight ("That shit is TITE")? Well, in real life, apparently, it is possible to be too tight,and I am that. I am so tight, in fact, that I my EMG reading at resting state was three times as high as it should be. Of course when I talk about being tight I am talking about my pelvic floor muscles. There's more to a vagina than meets the eye, you know.

The doctor got very intimate with my lady bits, complimenting my gorgeous clitoral hood and my very healthy forchet. Even my vestibulis was by the book - nothing she hadn't seen before.

But I did have it. And those pelvic floor muscles need to chill the fuck out. So she prescribed me an antihistamine - to calm the inflammation - some kind of mythical cream compound to be put directly on the very upset vestibular glands and a muscle relaxer in the form of a suppository. I can put it in whichever hole hurts less, she said. They are both connected to the same muscle.

Also prescribed is a sex therapist because, as any of you who are reading this and also suffering from vulvar pain disorder know, going this long without sex is like dying. Not just for me, either.

When I mentioned the anti-depressant I was currently on, she threw me for a curveball.

"I always suggest Cymbalta," she said. "It has excellent properties that lessen vulvar pain. And it has norepinephrine - the sex drug."

"Norepinephrine does that?" I asked.

"Yes, it's the chemical that the brain produces for arousal."

It doesn't take much more than that to convince me. Though I'm not looking forward to another switch, it could be a not at all shitty thing in the long run. After all, I like arousal.

"And what if this doesn't work?" The Doctor of Vaginas posed the question for me.

Then we take it to the next level. Most women are in her "program" from 12 to 18 months. If this round of treatment doesn't work she's promised me she'd try everything up to surgery.

I, personally, am lucky. I have been reading the blogs where some women hurt so much that they can't sit, or walk or move without having excruciating pain between their legs. I am mostly functioning. I can still wear pants (loose) and except on very very bad days do not have any problems sitting or walking. The only things effected are my sanity and my relationship. Ha ha. Only.

I feel good about this one. Perhaps because I was at a practice that specifically worked with my problem or perhaps it's because this practice is the largest of it's kind in the country, I feel like I could get better. Dr. of Vaginas helped, too. She had an excellent bedside manor, making jokes and sparing me things like "this could be FOR-EVER" like some of the websites I have read. She didn't pump me full of un-necessary information, just what I needed to get me motivated to stick with the program. She seemed determined that I would get better, somehow, sometime. That vote of confidence helped.

At this point, any confidence coming from anywhere helps.