Ripples In Time

Last Monday some invisible hand lifted itself off of my body. Suddenly I found myself breathing again. The world, which had been switched into slow motion black and white, was turned back on at full speed. I exhaled. I didn't even known I'd been holding my breath.

Things at work have smoothed out. They are going to be much different than I imagined, and potentially less disappointing than they originally started out. All things which will be seen in due time.

I have adjusted to living in a new apartment, with a new person. Thing are going to be much different than I imagined, but in a good way.

I am terribly homesick these days. I am looking forward to Christmas and visiting my family. I am looking forward to introducing The Boy to the rest of my life. I am looking forward to relaxing with my sister's family, with my mom, in my comfort zone.

I know it's not saying a lot. I know there are so many blanks I should fill in for you. But the places that had been hurting were those places that should stay off the internet, the places that are dangerous to share with the google searchable world.

I've been hermitting from real life this past month - not just from the world wide web. It's what I needed. I needed to readjust on my own. I guess that's my coping mechanism with change. But time has done it's work. I can think about going back into the sunlight now. I can pick up where things left off, whenever they left off. I'm not really sure anymore. Life goes by so quickly.

The one constant is change. Someday, hopefully, I'll remember that.

Haz Heartache

We need to catch up internets, but I don't have the heart to sift through the mess that's been my last four weeks. I promise I'll come back when the fire burns out.

If you've got a bucket of water, though, bring it.

If Life Were Only Like Transitions Lenses

I don't do transitions very well. Ask anyone who has known me longer than six months. Ask my mother. Ask the grade school counselor. They all know. You all know, having read my blog for so long. Me + transitions = a nervous breakdown (or three).

I couldn't tell you why I am like that - though I strongly suspect clinical depression - I just am. Unfortunately Life doesn't really give a damn weather you're tough or not, it just keeps going and changing and dragging you along with it. Which really sucks for me.

So of course, as Life does, mine has gone and flipped itself upside down (or maybe rightside up, the jury is still out). Everything I knew and settled into has changed. What I believed I was good at it turns out I am not. What I thought was going to make me very, incredibly happy seems to be doing it's worst to me.

It's not that I don't think things will get better, because I know very well that everything will. It's just that this whole tailspin I'm in has thrown me right back into the black kettle of depression.

For some reason this caught me by surprise. I thought that I would be able to make this huge giant leap into a place I've never before gone without a hitch. Honestly, this was a ridiculous idea. Not one time before in my life have I ever made an ENORMOUS change in my life (as if I ever really make small ones) and not found myself at depression's door asking for hand outs ("Please, Sir, May I have another?). I honestly - very firmly - believe that this the brain's self defense mechanism. If I had known it would be like this would I have made the change? Would I have stayed in France if I had known it was going to be another round of "Keep me off the tracks"? I highly doubt it.

But it's what I knew would make me happy. I think that came from the same deep seated place that kept me from remembering how much the changes wreck me. Instinctually I knew that it was what my next step needed to be, and even if I preferred the slow route that was not what Life was offering me.

Needless to say, I am depressed. I am scared and sad and destructive. I am afraid of my job (Who knew my French was that bad?) my relationship (What if our dreams together never come to fruition? What if I drive him away like all the others?) and myself (What if my depression ruins everything? What if I don't get better? What if I lose my job? What if I can never have babies because of the way I am? What if? What if? What if?).

I am a monster within myself, exhausted but never too tired to eat away at another little piece of my confidence. It's confounding, the way I take everything I used to get where I am to tear away at myself. Impressive. Terrifying.

And I know it will get better. I know - after a good cry, a stiff drink, a half a dozen phone calls and the runs - that everything will happen exactly the way it needs to. I can convince myself for this moment - this tiny ripple on times glassy surface - but for now the problem is remebering those truths.

Under the thick ice of depression we are soundless, even to ourselves. We can't get through to the otherside to tell it penetrate and break through. Our screams are mute, open mouthed expressions of distress that somehow say nothing. The Us under the ice has to trust that the Us on the surface has enough wits about it to grab a damned mallet and shatter through. The Us under the ice has to trust that the Us above will someday see the same light, breath the same air, be the one and the same person.

Tonight I believe that. Tomorrow I may need you to go find a mallet.

Twenty Eighth

Nothing says "Happy Birthday to me" like Stevie Wonder, non?



To all the little lovelies born today, you blessed and special. The world my try to take you down but I promise you you will always have the strength to rise above it. Happy Birthday to us!!!

Lunch Time Blog

This, as everyone knows, is not the smartest thing in the world. I'm certainly not eager to share my blog with my co-workers knowing how many people have lost their jobs on account of their little personal spaces on the very large public internet. Don't worry, I will empty my cache.

But I just need a minute. I need a tiny little minute with myself, with brain, to make it feel like it's mine again.

The other day walking to work ELO (whom you know I love) came on my Mp3. Not "Mr. Blue Sky", which would have been equally appropriate for that day, but instead it was "Hold on Tight".



Which has now become my anthem.

I have to admit that this new job and it's long hours has me scared that I will completely lose sight of what I really want in life - of my creative endeavors. I know I will adjust to the schedule and I know I will find a rhythm, but I don't know when and I certainly don't how. But I do know that I want to write and I don't want to leave that dream behind.

Even if I have to do it in French.

Accroches-toi a ton reve
Accroches-toi a ton reve
Quand tu vois ton bateau partir
Quand tu sents -- ton coeur se briser
Accroches-toi a ton reve.