It Should Be Noted

That I have not been nominated for any Bloggie awards. What the Heck people. What the Heck. Appartently my twenty readers a day do not warrant me as a "notable" blog. I guess that means that I cannot (yet) quit my day job.

Wait. I don't currently have a doy job. Huh. That's funny.

I have an interview today (yea!) and so I pulled out the oh-so-fun mustard yellow kitten heels and threw on my newly altered jeans and short vest. I'm not sure exactly how I found time to sew last night, but I am definitely glad that I did. It gives me the sensation that I have new clothes, despite the fact that I obviously do not, nor will I be affording any new clothes in the near (or far) future. I very much want to get really good with my sewing machine. Because I suddenly hate almost everything in my closet.

Here is an interesting note that has absolutely no link to the previous paragraph. Don't worry, I can get away with this, because it's my blog and I say so.

Most women who suffer from mood swings, bipolar or depression have a hormone imbalance. (This is only part of the information given to me by Sister L. She's the one doing all the research. I am the one reaping the benefits. If you have questions, ask her!) Similarly, studies have been done that have proved that something crazy like 70 percent of people with depression or pyschological disorders (Again, I'm sorry if this number is inaccurate. Feel free to scream in protest.) actually have a common disorder known as hypoglycemia. SERIOUSLY. Both of these things can be moderated by good nutrition and exercise.

The point is, I'm feeling like maybe it's time to see if the hundred and fifty dollar a month anti-d's can be exiled from my purse.

And so if you think this is interesting enough for me to be nominated for a Bloggie, well, you're too damn late. But I'll be there next year. Oh yes. I'll be there next year for sure.

Keep an eye out for the interview I will be doing with the very swell DaysGoBy as part of the Great Interview Experiment. Yet another brilliant blog idea that I didn't come up with!

Spy Satellites to Hit North America and Other Deadly News

As the sun rose over downtown, the air was filled with a noxious chemical smell. I got the idea that someone had been burning Barbie dolls all night, or else melting nail polish, but at very least they were incredibly high. Or possibly dead.

Eventually my nose got used to it, and I didn't think much else about the scent. I strolled into the Whole Foods half awake, determined to spend my last five dollars on a real cup of coffee, a breakfast sandwich and a giant ginger chew cookie.

"I have tests today," I thought to myself, "I had better make sure to eat something healthy."

I should be reading now, but I am not. I got distracted by the Mighty Goods Valentine's Day list and am trying to decide whether or not it's foolish to buy something that I could conceivably make, especially considering I think that Valentines Day is pretty silly (and that the Frenchman will be in Europe for it).

On the way to the library, I caught the news and it told me that a Spy Satellite has begun to fall to earth and scientists have no way of stopping it before it breaks up and enters our atmosphere. They know that it is going to land in North America, but they won't be able to say where, exactly, until March. I find myself secretly hoping that it's not really a Spy Satellite, but actually an alien space capsule that has been shot down by the Russian government. And that maybe it will land near me and I can make a small fortune by taking the first pictures. It's not really that far fetched, when you think about it.

I should be reading my history book. Remember? I have tests today.

And You're Being Written Up

This was the email I recieved from my boss today:

"I have seen employees in similar situations make a 180 turn and address the core issue that causes all these and similar problems at work, and You get one chance from today to do this. But I am also ready to take your resignation."

Sincerely,

A Very Short Man (with a complex)

This wouldn't be funny at all, except for I work for a coffee shop. And everything in it was purchased at IKEA. Last night we had a meeting and - I shit you not - it lasted two hours and fifteen minutes. And there was a PowerPoint presentation.

I think I must have bruised his ego. What do you think?

Seriously. Sometimes my life is a complete joke.

A Monumentous Occasion

Or, at least it was noteworthy. Well, humorous? I'm not really sure. But considering my past and my utter loathe for mathematics, I feel that I should tell everyone that last night I stayed up until one a.m. doing algebra.

I must be in the honeymoon phase, because I not only let him write me equations to practice (which I have to say were much harder than my actual math homework) but I encouraged him to do it. Seriously. Is anyone worried about me yet? I mean, besides my mom.

I spoke to her yesterday and the only thing she really had to say was, "Well, be careful okay? Because, well...*sigh tsk tsk sigh tsk*...I would just hate to see you move to France."

"Mom, I think that's a little preemptive, don't you?"

Wait, did I tell my mother to slow it down? Usually it goes the other way...

I thought about it later and I wonder if my moms really believes I am going to be a travel writer. I mean, I fully intend to trot around the globe and get paid for it. Somehow. And believe you me, I'll find a way. But this would mean that I would be out of the country a lot of the time. Which would be sort of like me living in France, no?

Whatever. Math first. No. Wait. Coffee first. Then math. Then complete world domination?

I think that might be something like "order of operations". SEE? I AM learning something!!

Pass the Cheese, I need to Whine

GAH. I'm grossed out that I even wrote that little catchy-sounding phrase. But let me tell you something: the mixed scent of foot odor and loss of bladder control by someone sitting very near to me in the library is more than a little distracting to my thoughts. I can't figure it out, really. Everyone here looks like a student. That is to say that none of them resemble bus riding homeless crazies.

Oh my GOD. Maybe it's me.

(Evolving pauses to stealthily check the scent of her armpits and clothing.)

No. I only smell of shampoo and organic fabric softener. And a little like leather. Okay, that's a weird combination. I think I need to move on from this.

THE POINT IS (and yes, there is actually a point) that I am so tired of writing at the library. And only on days that am at school? Or I can go to the public library and REALLY be surrounded by homeless people who forgot to wipe their asses. I have given up on bumming time from my neighbors on their computer for the blog, because it usually requires some socialization (and often a drink) and this isn't incredibly conducive to writing an interesting blog. Not to mention, they were starting to think I was just using them for their internet. How embarrassing.

But the whole "not writing more than twice a week" thing is really disheartening me. Sure, I journal. I write letters to friends. But this is where I get my feedback. This is where I get to "put it out there" and see what's well received and what makes people go "EEG. This girl's got problems". And what makes people go "Oh, she's messed up!....But I can't stop reading." And how many people who are looking for porn end up on my site.

What? It's true, my statistics page tells me so. It's fetish people, mostly. It's kind of funny to me, because I think that they must be so disappointed.

I digress.

Surely you didn't know, but every single day I think in terms of blogs. As in "That would be hilarious to put on my blog." Or "I really need to bitch about this on my blog." Or usually "I need to fugging write, what can I write, wheres a computer I need to fugging write something NOW."

I want to start my "coffee talks"! I want to post photos of dirty coffee cups, and my elbow and the corvette. I want to be able to read and comment on blogs and discover new things and browse my favorite shopping sites for hours and then post about the absurd things I've found and I want to do it ALL in the comfort of my own home. Wearing my pajamas. With the cat on my lap. Listening to music.

SIGH.

Other things to bitch about? I have to sell my car. And I already hate my new job.

I wonder if I could make Guinness Book of World Records for "Whiniest Blog Ever Written".

I think I should just throw in the towel and flee to Mexico.

Little Red White Corvette

Ahem. Can I just mention how long it took me to make the title read correctly with HTML? I wanted to have the correct em-PHA-sis on the correct syll-AB-le. And of course Blogger doesn't include a "strikethrough" quick key in its template. Sometimes I wish I had finished design school.

Meh. Whatever.

Also in the vain of information you probably don't really need to know, I purchase a grossly overpriced fruit smoothie from the school, and with each sip I am ingesting a flavor that is somewhere between plastic and Styrofoam. I really need to think about bringing lunch on Mondays and Wednesdays.

Gross smoothie and lengthy HTML lessons aside, I just want to say something along the veins of "The hills are alive with the sound of music!!!" Which translates into something like "I've been floating on a cloud". ...Or words equally nauseating. Sorry if I just made some of you vomit.

The details of my new romance I will not divulge here in this public forum, because each moment is like a little treasure I want to squirrel away for a rainy day. But I will say that Evolving loves riding in a little white corvette with one bum head light and a certain foreign national.

And THAT, my dear friends, is where I've been hiding out for two weeks.

I have become the newest "Never Settle" girl. I'm trying not to annoy my girlfriends with it, but for every second that I spent convincing myself you have to work so hard at relationships - as a justification for the sadness and dissatisfaction that I felt - I get to laugh at how wrong it was. And I find myself climbing up on a stack of soapboxes whenever one tell me some unacceptable detail regarding the way her boyfriend has acted. It takes a great deal of inner strength not to break out picket signs and stand on line where men are treating their women as less than amazing beings who enrich their life.

The phrase "taken for granted" doesn't directly translate into French. Neither does "written off" or the word "resentment". These are things I am painfully familiar with, but would be more than happy to mark out of my vernacular.

For each moment, fleeting as it may be, I do a little boogie to celebrate that I have been given a chance to know what it feels like to feel like this.

Even the plastic smoothie tastes better when you know that someone delightfully savory will make you a plate of sweet kisses to make up for it. Nights without sleep are justifiable. Exhaustion is acceptable. And the laughter makes your stomach ache in that amazing "I can't breathe because this is so funny" kind of way.

And to think. I never really believed it was true.

I Made It (Barely)

Through the first week of school. The class are just fine and the professors are interesting enough to keep my attention as an *ahem* very bright incoming freshman. I even managed to get the math homework done, despite the complete and utter lack of student loan money what would have facilitated me buying the book. Insert expletive directed at Community College Financial Aid Department.

And now I have a four day weekend (because SURPRISE! Texas does observe Martin Luther King Jr. Day)! With one day of work crammed in there. That is really NOT enough to pay my car insurance. Maybe I'll just sell the thing. Wait, I think Betty just started crying. No, Betty, I didn't mean it. Not really.

Maybe I'll think again about selling my eggs. I did quit smoking, after all...

The Sign on the Monitor Reads:

"Relinquish computer after 30 minutes use, when asked."

To which I have translated "Relinquish computer when asked."

And of course when I'm asked, since I am trying to learn French these days and love the way I sound when I fake an accent, I will reply:

"Je ne comprend pas?"

WHAT? I still don't have internet at my apartment, and I still haven't gotten my student loan money with which I will purchase my now downgraded needs of a laptop with WiFi to just an Original Airport card. And a new CD writer. And a USB adapter. And a maybe a card reader for my Digi Cam.

Okay, so, perhaps I have a bit of a problem. It manifests itself like this:

Lalalalala...I love my life, I love my life....lalalala - Oh! I'm BROKE! I need new things.

My brilliant therapist deduced that this is my crutch - similar to that of a binge eater or an alcoholic who, when feeling not entirely comfortable in one part of their life chooses to completely demolish that little part where they are not feeling so comfortable. So that they can then implode.

Yeah. I'm workin' on it. For example: Instead of buying a new iPod, I fixed my old Shuffle. And now I'm rockin' out as I trek up and down Mt. Kilimanjaro (i.e. the hill to my house). Which is good, because when I get to the top and my lungs feel like they are about to burst and possibly come out my nose, I pretty much need a distraction.

And, of course, the whole not buying a laptop thing. That's a decidedly good idea.

Mind you, all this reasonable thinking did not occur before I spent forty-five dollars on a new purse, a pair of bright white sneakers with Velcro and the cutest pair of mustard yellow kitten heel pumps you have ever seen in your life. Whatever. Like I said, I'm workin' on it.

Other things in my life are, shall we say, "international". I can hardly complain about being exposed to a new culture, non? Oh, and by the way? Americans are doing it totally wrong.

Man. I'm gonna get some hate mail for that one.

J'aime Ma Vie and Other News From the Dark Side of The Moon

It was at once surreal and altogether natural to be walking into school again. I am a Freshman in College eight years too late. I should be done by now, I suppose. If I had ever known before what I wanted to do with my life. Everything in it's own time, I suppose.

By the skin of my teeth I pulled it all together at the last minute. I registered and paid for classes. I got a job with decent pay that is very nearly what I hoped to be doing. I washed clothes and did the dishes. I slept in when possible and stayed up as late as I could.

And then making the short walk from my house to the school today I realized that I fugging love my life - every broke-ass, squeaking by at the last second, fly by the seat of my pants minute of it. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. It's an amazing thing, considering how long I felt like I was falling out and going under. It took me a long time to believe that I could make it in this life. And then, suddenly, I am.

I'm in the library now. Thinking about how I wish I could go home and nap, but knowing that I really should get into a routine. This is going to be prime studying time - between English Comp and Remedial Math - to do homework and study. And, until my loan check comes through, to write on this blog. I think my two readers have given up on me. Hell, I have almost given up on me.

Moving on...Did I forget to mention that I'm getting a visit from Bossy? Oh right, cause it's small news or something. Let me try this again. Bossy is coming to visit me. OH MY GOD. I'm not even the least put out that I have to share the wonderful, talented and lovely woman with four other people in A-town. Who cares!? Bossy is coming to Texas! You want to know all about it? Check the links on the right. Oh yeah. And go to her sight and make a cash donation for her road trip fund. Or else all my excitement is for naught.

Also, as I gear back up to writing regularly again (slowly and cautiously re-emerging from the cave that has been a blissful beginning of the year) I will be inviting over bloggy friends for "coffee". We will talk about politics, current events, international culture, shoes, handbags and Taye Diggs beautiful ass. What? Think about what you are reading here. You're not really surprised, are you?

So, well. I guess thus begins another chapter to my nonsensical life, or some such deep thing. Il fait beau, and I wish you were here.

I know, I have been MIA without proper explanation. This is a blog faux pas. But I have an excuse, really. Sort of. Okay, it's not a very good one.

Would you believe I've been on extended vacation without internet access? Well, it's mostly true. I'm back from the technical "out of state, away from home" vacation, and I don't have the web in my apartment yet. This much is true. The part about not having access though - well that's a stretch, to say the least. I mean, you know I have to check my email every fugging day.

Anyhow, lame excuses aside, my apologies. I will be making a sincere attempt to keep up on my blog, for you my dearly devoted reader. Yes, I mean you Sister L. And then hopefully – between tax money and student loan slush fund – I will purchase a new / used laptop that is wifi ready and I can obsessively update you on the mundane details of my life with the regularity of old.

Now, a brief recap of my New Year thus far:

Who put that bottle of tequila in front of me on New Years Eve?
Are you alive this morning?
Purchased new Moleskine and the hardback, Centennial copy of The Fountainhead, as though I still had money from my vacation.
Discovered unfortunate reality that I was no longer on vacation while at the grocery store. After I had bagged my groceries. Mortification ensued when my card was declined three times.
J'ai ete saisi a nouveau par le mystere de Paris, ou l'adventure amoureuse vous guette a chaque coin de rue.
It's very hard to speak English in the morning.
Hooray I got a job!
Spanish Tartain on Movie Night.
Vacations officially end on Mondays. Do the registration Monkey Dance and watch all the pieces fall gently into place.

….Who knew that wretching Tequila on NYE would be a good omen????